my dog wont bite

i've always been a daddy's girl.  perhaps it's because he didn't often express his approval or love or his pride or for that matter his thoughts when i was growing up.  something inside of me has always yearned for some validation, some affection, some sign that i am good.  i often sought him out by having an interest in what he was doing - whether it was working in the yard or on the car or later on in his business.  you could say i am who i am because of him.

it's only been recently that we've begun to connect as adults.  it's hard to explain the subtle transformation that has occurred.  they are little things but they are very apparent to me later when i think on them.

i originally started this blog in order to sort these sorts of things out. it later turned in to a passive aggressive way of saying things to those around me who i was having troubles relating with.  i'm so over that.  i resolve to never hide behind my blog again. my interest has since moved on to those who make their living by blogging, internet sensations if you will. many of my favorites have since written books.  and they all seem to work big life issues out as a result of them.  i guess i've always found writing to be the best way for me to understand me. i'm not a talker.  i don't have much to say because there is too much spinning around in my brain for me to pick one thing and say it out loud. i'm too busy listening to what everyone else has to say (including my own self) and then breaking that down.  it takes me several days to decide how i feel about the simplest of things. it makes communication difficult if you don't know the real me.  most people i know at this point in my life don't. i've also come to understand (NLP, thank you Raj!) that it's really about what my parents taught me as a child (be seen and not heard) and as a result i don't believe that i am really even worth listening to.  i've recently discovered this is why i seem to attract overly opinionated people in my life. i believe it's also the reason my sister acts out the way that she does.

i've been searching deeply for about the last year.  what do i want to do with my life?  i always come back to the blog and writing and perhaps traveling - alone - and keeping a journal and later writing about it and someday make a living off of my experiences. but i always come back to feeling like me is not worth it and therefore no one would possibly find it interesting enough to read, let alone purchase in a book store.  (still working on the NLP thing...it's the only therapy i've had that i actually think about on a daily basis.)

this is jumping around a lot. this is what it's like in my head.

anyway, really what i want to express in this post and put down to be able to remember for a time to come is that i spent some time with my dad on saturday that was for me, literally a dream come true.  i have often dreamt of doing adult things with my dad and somehow finding a way to fill the hole that is leftover from my childhood.

music has bonded me with so many of my favorite people.  my dad is no exception. i have the fondest memories of john cougar mellencamp being blasted on the stereo while my mom and kim and darcy made tacos and my dad and barry and randy would be drinking beer, possibly smoking some weed, laughing and just being friends.  i can't hear cherry bomb without seeing my dad laugh as kim would dance around the living room or the discussions they would have about a particular artist or song.

i mean, come one, my dad named me after a hall and oates song. i was destined to have a huge connection to music.

i have so many other things i want to dissect and figure out but it's overwhelming and i think this is enough to start for now.

i also have no idea how to end this so i think some lyrics might be the best way.  this is the song that my dad was blasting from his convertible z as he drove through the streets of berkeley on our way to the show. it's the song that he'd sing out loud when it played on his stereo with his friends. it's the song that brought me to tears as the first few notes rang out at the show. i leaned over to tell my dad something, anything that would express what i felt.  i managed to choke out "this song is my childhood". i wanted him to understand what i was feeling inside of me so badly and i don't think it translated.  but that's ok, i'll keep trying.

Million young poets
Screamin out their words
To a world full of people
Just livin to be heard
Future generations
Ridin´on the highways that we built
I hope, that they have better understanding

Check it out
Goin to work on monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can´t tell your best buddy
That you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin with your back
To your loved one
This is all, we have learned
About happiness

Check it out,
Forgot to say hello to my neighbours
Check it out
Sometimes i question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin about the girls, we´ve
Seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls
We´re still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin too drunk on saturdays
Check it out
Playin football with the kids
On sundays
Check it out
Soaring with the eagles all week long
And this is all, we have learned
About living
This is all, we have learned
About living

A million young poets
Screamin out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin on the highways that we built
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out ...