sanger has a nasal tumor. it was diagnosed almost a month ago. it is on the right side of her nose, under her eye and extending up between the eyes. it is cancer, although the type was indeterminable from the biopsy that was taken. i have decided not to treat it. sanger is nearly 13. chemo and radiation would only extend her life by 2-3 months. what kind of quality of life would that be? so i decided that we would forgo treatment (surgery is not an option) and let things progress as normally as possible.

since then, i decided to put her on steroids in hopes of relieving the inflammation in her snout to allow her some comfort when sleeping. the drugs have done a pretty good job of that so far. the bleeding had been minimal up until about a week ago. over the last week, she has suffered two bleeds that make me so panicky and anxious that it's nearly impossible to do anything except sit with her.

so that's where we are.

after a horrible friday night and saturday morning with sanger's bleeding pretty much out of control and me hysterical by the thought that this was it, i decided to make the call to the vet. sanger's vet, dr. tessano was not in that day. to me, that was my sign that it wasn't time. we took sanger to crissy field and she swam and swam and swam some more. she also bled and bled and bled. bright red, iron rich, creamy blood. but she didn't care. people would walk by and say, "your dog's nose is bleeding!' and i would just look in their eyes and say, "i know. cancer". some people would just keep walking, some would stop to ask questions, the real dog lovers would return my gaze and say with kindness, "you poor dears. i'm so sorry.". one woman stopped and said, "anything you want" when sanger came up and tried to rub her bloody face on her leg.

a sneeze in the car on the way home resulted in blood splattering everywhere, including all over the passengers. it is a pretty traumatic little scene, my beautiful black dog with a face full of blood...

once we got home, i gave sanger a quick bath in the parking lot and then brought her back upstairs. after 36 hours of no sleep, my girl was zonked and the bleeding let up enough for her to nap for several hours. sunday she seemed more like her old self. i had to pick out the dried chunks of blood from her nose so she could breathe, but once i did, she seemed to feel better. good enough for a walk around phoenix lake!

it took sanger several hours to get out of bed this morning. i had to pick her up to get her to come downstairs for a potty walk with me. once we get going it's fine, but words are not enough some days. she refused breakfast. i fed her about half from a spoon before she pushed my hand away with her nose. she's currently napping on the cool kitchen floor. it is such a beautiful day, i'm considering driving over the mountain to stinson, but she can't really swim there so it might be best to just head back to crissy field for the afternoon.

my anxiety creeps in and out. i felt pretty good yesterday. today when i woke up, i didn't. i felt panicked and scared and alone and worried. i feel exhausted. i feel sad. i get upset thinking that i almost made a decision on saturday that was not the right decision. not knowing what the decision will feel like when it's really and truly time is killing me. everyone says "you'll know". will i? i thought i knew on saturday. i'm afraid to make the wrong choice. i'm afraid that i will be this sad forever. i am afraid to loose my best friend.

There are no facts, only interpretations. ~Friedrich Nietzsc

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion. ~Democritus

To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another. ~John Burroughs

How reluctantly the mind consents to reality! ~Norman Douglas

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, you begin to worry about history. ~Author Unknown

and my favorite...

Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures. ~Jessamyn West

spending a lot of time contemplating reality lately. and what i've come to realize is that the mere fact that some try to impose their reality as fact and absolute totality is absolutely the most insane thing eve in the entire world amen. i'm mean, really? how do you have a discussion with another who believes in absolute totality of their reality? you don't. you end up trying to go along with their beliefs until you can't anymore. or you begin to hate them for it. or both.

i may be stubborn but i stick to my values and my beliefs and i can even try it your way for while. but if you can't try it mine, then i'm out the door. it's called "meeting in the middle". i give a little, you give a little and hey look at that, we've figured out a way to compromise!

my dad surprised me the other day. he told me that he knew my most recent long term relationship wouldn't work not because of all the reason i sighted but simply because i am a giver and he was very clearly a taker. i asked him what he saw specifically that made him come to that conclusion and he simply replied "reality".

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it. ~Mahatma Gandhi

The PM and the moderator work together to gather the final results. The PM resolves any remaining estimate differences and generates a final task list including level of effort. The PM also creates a spreadsheet of each individual team members final estimate, providing a good report of best and worst case scenario for each task.

A final meeting is held to review and decide if the results are sufficient for further planning.

6. In a forum on different estimation methods, one user noted that Microsoft teams are actively using the WB Delphi method, but I do not know how reliable of a source the user was. Several other articles I read mentioned that this method has proved to work very well in smaller software companies and was also particularly useful in web design and development firms.

i've been the girl who not only suffers through an unhealthy, demoralizing relationship but then goes back to it in hopes that time spent apart has inspired him to love me enough to change...or at least try.

and guess what? IT HASN'T.

admitting that is hard. it's step one in getting over you and i swear to god i will get over you or i will die trying.

the rules for day one:

cry. a lot.
no retail therapy.
no isolating.
watch the weight.

game on.

need to do better for sure.

news:

ucsc classes for pmp certs. rad.
dmb live two nights at the mgm in vegas. rad.
prop8 upheld by the ca supreme court. not rad. seriously considering finding out how to add a measure to make marriage illegal. my parents divorce fucked me up more than any gay marriage ever did or will.

also i have no idea what i'm doing. fuck.

ok - carry on. nothing else to see here.

i'm on day 3.

:)

i have my yoga schedule written out for the week, including several options for classes on the weekend and i'm even going to do a class friday morning since i work from home that day (something i swore i would do since i started working from home over 6 months ago).

it's going to be tough on saturday - after a long night or concert at outside lands and a beach party to go to later saturday afternoon - i'll have to get to class at 8am. but i'm determined to make it happen with lot's of pre-planning and just total dedication to my newly developing practice.

after all, i am worth it!

this has been an incredible year so far when it comes to concerts. it has been so amazing and wonderful to go to any show i want to and not have to worry about how i'm going to afford it. one of the positives of being an adult with an adult salary i guess.

anyway, the list of 2008 concerts attended and attending:

1. pinback @ the fillmore
2. pinback @ the bears lair, uc berkeley
3. eels @ the palace of fine arts
4. dave matthews and tim reynolds, key arena, seattle, wa
5. steve miller band and guests @ the fillmore
6. john mellencamp @ the greek theater

UPCOMING:
7. outside lands this weekend (bands i am excited about: radiohead, beck, steel pulse, ben harper, wilco)
8. sammy hagar @ the throckmorton next wednesday (willing to bet many, many local bay area rockers will show up for this - my money is on lars ulrick and kirk hammet and bob weir)
8. dave matthews band @ the greek theatre (all three nights) in september
9. pinback @ bimbo's 365 club in october

i saw tori three nights in a row in december and i'm hoping to add a show or two of hers to this list before the end of the year.

it's been a good year for concerts and i love that i've been so proactive about getting tickets, paying attention to email alerts and basically going to any show that i want!

next list: my 30 day yoga challenge

todays love: courtesy of radiohead, who i am very, very excited to be seeing next week at outside lands.

fitter happier

Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics.

[This is the Panic Office, section nine-seventeen may have been hit. Activate the following procedure.]

does anyone else thing orwell's 1984 when they read this?

anyway, back to work for me.

xoxo,
s.

i've always been a daddy's girl.  perhaps it's because he didn't often express his approval or love or his pride or for that matter his thoughts when i was growing up.  something inside of me has always yearned for some validation, some affection, some sign that i am good.  i often sought him out by having an interest in what he was doing - whether it was working in the yard or on the car or later on in his business.  you could say i am who i am because of him.

it's only been recently that we've begun to connect as adults.  it's hard to explain the subtle transformation that has occurred.  they are little things but they are very apparent to me later when i think on them.

i originally started this blog in order to sort these sorts of things out. it later turned in to a passive aggressive way of saying things to those around me who i was having troubles relating with.  i'm so over that.  i resolve to never hide behind my blog again. my interest has since moved on to those who make their living by blogging, internet sensations if you will. many of my favorites have since written books.  and they all seem to work big life issues out as a result of them.  i guess i've always found writing to be the best way for me to understand me. i'm not a talker.  i don't have much to say because there is too much spinning around in my brain for me to pick one thing and say it out loud. i'm too busy listening to what everyone else has to say (including my own self) and then breaking that down.  it takes me several days to decide how i feel about the simplest of things. it makes communication difficult if you don't know the real me.  most people i know at this point in my life don't. i've also come to understand (NLP, thank you Raj!) that it's really about what my parents taught me as a child (be seen and not heard) and as a result i don't believe that i am really even worth listening to.  i've recently discovered this is why i seem to attract overly opinionated people in my life. i believe it's also the reason my sister acts out the way that she does.

i've been searching deeply for about the last year.  what do i want to do with my life?  i always come back to the blog and writing and perhaps traveling - alone - and keeping a journal and later writing about it and someday make a living off of my experiences. but i always come back to feeling like me is not worth it and therefore no one would possibly find it interesting enough to read, let alone purchase in a book store.  (still working on the NLP thing...it's the only therapy i've had that i actually think about on a daily basis.)

this is jumping around a lot. this is what it's like in my head.

anyway, really what i want to express in this post and put down to be able to remember for a time to come is that i spent some time with my dad on saturday that was for me, literally a dream come true.  i have often dreamt of doing adult things with my dad and somehow finding a way to fill the hole that is leftover from my childhood.

music has bonded me with so many of my favorite people.  my dad is no exception. i have the fondest memories of john cougar mellencamp being blasted on the stereo while my mom and kim and darcy made tacos and my dad and barry and randy would be drinking beer, possibly smoking some weed, laughing and just being friends.  i can't hear cherry bomb without seeing my dad laugh as kim would dance around the living room or the discussions they would have about a particular artist or song.

i mean, come one, my dad named me after a hall and oates song. i was destined to have a huge connection to music.

i have so many other things i want to dissect and figure out but it's overwhelming and i think this is enough to start for now.

i also have no idea how to end this so i think some lyrics might be the best way.  this is the song that my dad was blasting from his convertible z as he drove through the streets of berkeley on our way to the show. it's the song that he'd sing out loud when it played on his stereo with his friends. it's the song that brought me to tears as the first few notes rang out at the show. i leaned over to tell my dad something, anything that would express what i felt.  i managed to choke out "this song is my childhood". i wanted him to understand what i was feeling inside of me so badly and i don't think it translated.  but that's ok, i'll keep trying.

Million young poets
Screamin out their words
To a world full of people
Just livin to be heard
Future generations
Ridin´on the highways that we built
I hope, that they have better understanding

Check it out
Goin to work on monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can´t tell your best buddy
That you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin with your back
To your loved one
This is all, we have learned
About happiness

Check it out,
Forgot to say hello to my neighbours
Check it out
Sometimes i question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin about the girls, we´ve
Seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls
We´re still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin too drunk on saturdays
Check it out
Playin football with the kids
On sundays
Check it out
Soaring with the eagles all week long
And this is all, we have learned
About living
This is all, we have learned
About living

A million young poets
Screamin out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin on the highways that we built
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out ...

1.  mgmt:  brooklyn based mgmt first caught my ear while on a drive with...okwaitlet'sstartover.  why did i REALLY download mgmt? one word - dooce.  heather has supreme taste in music and is pretty much responsible for my hot chip and radiohead obsessions.  why not give her the credit for this too?  i was so happy when last week a hot chip song was featured on so you think you can dance.  i secretly decided in my head it was because of heather. 

speaking of, that thought got me started on how much i am influenced by others when it comes to music.  although you make the final decision to buy, download and actually listen to a particular artist, it's not very often that you are just 'browsing' through the latest and happen upon something that seems interesting and end up loving it forever.  i love tori because of my modern dance teacher suzanne (my first real girl crush!).  i love van halen and sammy hagar first because of my dad and later on because of my high school crush, jeremy leeper.  the music i like because of my dad is a list too long to even start.  pinback was listed as a like on a 'rivals' myspace (jeez, how old am i???).  a client of rob's compiled a cd for him and pinback was also on that album, then later a compilation an ex did for him (the same 'rival' i site above) and pinback was also featured. i took that as a sign. 

but i digress...isn't this a list of sorts?

2. radiohead.  i started with in rainbows when once again dooce posted that it was the album of the year. i was dissapointed when i immeditaely ran to itunes and found it wasn't available for download yet. this started my research on the bands non-conformist way of recording and i was hooked.  i will admit my first three or four listens to this album did not have me convinced and then one day, i was humming a song in my head over and over and over and couldn't figure out for the life of me who it was.  later i realized it was indeed radiohead and since then i've downloaded every album i can find online. can't wait to see them live in august at outside lands. 

3.  eels.  again, this was a band that was on one of the above mentioned compilation cds.  i wrote down some lyrics and googled them to find out it was the eels.  i found one or two songs on limewire (back when i used it) and liked them well enough, just never went further. one day i was in best buy and happened upon a greatest hits album at the front of the store in the new releases section. i went for it and promptly listened to it in my car for weeks on end. i downloaded about 6 more albums and found that not one was a bummer - i loved them all. i was stoked to hear that e was coming to play at the palace of fine arts and bought tickets the day they went on sale. i can honestly say this was the most incredible show i have seen - most likely ever. it started with this amazing documentary on e and his crazy brilliant quantum theorist dad. then the show - can't really explain it. search for it on you tube. you won't be dissapointed. the documentary will air on pbs later this year. watch for an update here when it gets closer - you really do not want to miss it. spectacular.  raw and real, this one man band with many guest performers makes playing the saw so brilliant that you will wonder why no one utilizes this tool more regularly for music.

i have strange taste in music, i think. i love cheesy classic rock and emo indie music. one thing i cannot stand is rap. do like electronic and dance although this is a recent discovery, most likely thanks to my involvement with the gay community, who tend to be fans.

i could go on and on - incubus (i love rediscovering past bands), silversun pickups, sun kil moon, the dandy warhols, george michael (i dare you to download listen without prejudice and not totally dig cowboys and angels and heal the pain), my morning jacket.

it's really fun to scroll through my music library and rememeber what i was going through when i was really into a particular artist or album. it's amazing to me what emotions can be felt when you hear just the first few plinks of a song that really carried you through a particular moment in life.

"love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking in the same direction."