i'm on day 3.

:)

i have my yoga schedule written out for the week, including several options for classes on the weekend and i'm even going to do a class friday morning since i work from home that day (something i swore i would do since i started working from home over 6 months ago).

it's going to be tough on saturday - after a long night or concert at outside lands and a beach party to go to later saturday afternoon - i'll have to get to class at 8am. but i'm determined to make it happen with lot's of pre-planning and just total dedication to my newly developing practice.

after all, i am worth it!

this has been an incredible year so far when it comes to concerts. it has been so amazing and wonderful to go to any show i want to and not have to worry about how i'm going to afford it. one of the positives of being an adult with an adult salary i guess.

anyway, the list of 2008 concerts attended and attending:

1. pinback @ the fillmore
2. pinback @ the bears lair, uc berkeley
3. eels @ the palace of fine arts
4. dave matthews and tim reynolds, key arena, seattle, wa
5. steve miller band and guests @ the fillmore
6. john mellencamp @ the greek theater

UPCOMING:
7. outside lands this weekend (bands i am excited about: radiohead, beck, steel pulse, ben harper, wilco)
8. sammy hagar @ the throckmorton next wednesday (willing to bet many, many local bay area rockers will show up for this - my money is on lars ulrick and kirk hammet and bob weir)
8. dave matthews band @ the greek theatre (all three nights) in september
9. pinback @ bimbo's 365 club in october

i saw tori three nights in a row in december and i'm hoping to add a show or two of hers to this list before the end of the year.

it's been a good year for concerts and i love that i've been so proactive about getting tickets, paying attention to email alerts and basically going to any show that i want!

next list: my 30 day yoga challenge

todays love: courtesy of radiohead, who i am very, very excited to be seeing next week at outside lands.

fitter happier

Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics.

[This is the Panic Office, section nine-seventeen may have been hit. Activate the following procedure.]

does anyone else thing orwell's 1984 when they read this?

anyway, back to work for me.

xoxo,
s.

i've always been a daddy's girl.  perhaps it's because he didn't often express his approval or love or his pride or for that matter his thoughts when i was growing up.  something inside of me has always yearned for some validation, some affection, some sign that i am good.  i often sought him out by having an interest in what he was doing - whether it was working in the yard or on the car or later on in his business.  you could say i am who i am because of him.

it's only been recently that we've begun to connect as adults.  it's hard to explain the subtle transformation that has occurred.  they are little things but they are very apparent to me later when i think on them.

i originally started this blog in order to sort these sorts of things out. it later turned in to a passive aggressive way of saying things to those around me who i was having troubles relating with.  i'm so over that.  i resolve to never hide behind my blog again. my interest has since moved on to those who make their living by blogging, internet sensations if you will. many of my favorites have since written books.  and they all seem to work big life issues out as a result of them.  i guess i've always found writing to be the best way for me to understand me. i'm not a talker.  i don't have much to say because there is too much spinning around in my brain for me to pick one thing and say it out loud. i'm too busy listening to what everyone else has to say (including my own self) and then breaking that down.  it takes me several days to decide how i feel about the simplest of things. it makes communication difficult if you don't know the real me.  most people i know at this point in my life don't. i've also come to understand (NLP, thank you Raj!) that it's really about what my parents taught me as a child (be seen and not heard) and as a result i don't believe that i am really even worth listening to.  i've recently discovered this is why i seem to attract overly opinionated people in my life. i believe it's also the reason my sister acts out the way that she does.

i've been searching deeply for about the last year.  what do i want to do with my life?  i always come back to the blog and writing and perhaps traveling - alone - and keeping a journal and later writing about it and someday make a living off of my experiences. but i always come back to feeling like me is not worth it and therefore no one would possibly find it interesting enough to read, let alone purchase in a book store.  (still working on the NLP thing...it's the only therapy i've had that i actually think about on a daily basis.)

this is jumping around a lot. this is what it's like in my head.

anyway, really what i want to express in this post and put down to be able to remember for a time to come is that i spent some time with my dad on saturday that was for me, literally a dream come true.  i have often dreamt of doing adult things with my dad and somehow finding a way to fill the hole that is leftover from my childhood.

music has bonded me with so many of my favorite people.  my dad is no exception. i have the fondest memories of john cougar mellencamp being blasted on the stereo while my mom and kim and darcy made tacos and my dad and barry and randy would be drinking beer, possibly smoking some weed, laughing and just being friends.  i can't hear cherry bomb without seeing my dad laugh as kim would dance around the living room or the discussions they would have about a particular artist or song.

i mean, come one, my dad named me after a hall and oates song. i was destined to have a huge connection to music.

i have so many other things i want to dissect and figure out but it's overwhelming and i think this is enough to start for now.

i also have no idea how to end this so i think some lyrics might be the best way.  this is the song that my dad was blasting from his convertible z as he drove through the streets of berkeley on our way to the show. it's the song that he'd sing out loud when it played on his stereo with his friends. it's the song that brought me to tears as the first few notes rang out at the show. i leaned over to tell my dad something, anything that would express what i felt.  i managed to choke out "this song is my childhood". i wanted him to understand what i was feeling inside of me so badly and i don't think it translated.  but that's ok, i'll keep trying.

Million young poets
Screamin out their words
To a world full of people
Just livin to be heard
Future generations
Ridin´on the highways that we built
I hope, that they have better understanding

Check it out
Goin to work on monday
Check it out
Got yourself a family
Check it out
All utility bills have been paid
You can´t tell your best buddy
That you love him
So check it out
Where does our time go
Check it out
Got a brand new house in escrow
Check it out
Sleepin with your back
To your loved one
This is all, we have learned
About happiness

Check it out,
Forgot to say hello to my neighbours
Check it out
Sometimes i question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin about the girls, we´ve
Seen on the sly
Just to tell our souls
We´re still the young lions
So check it out
Gettin too drunk on saturdays
Check it out
Playin football with the kids
On sundays
Check it out
Soaring with the eagles all week long
And this is all, we have learned
About living
This is all, we have learned
About living

A million young poets
Screamin out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin on the highways that we built
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they´ll have a better understanding
Check it out ...

1.  mgmt:  brooklyn based mgmt first caught my ear while on a drive with...okwaitlet'sstartover.  why did i REALLY download mgmt? one word - dooce.  heather has supreme taste in music and is pretty much responsible for my hot chip and radiohead obsessions.  why not give her the credit for this too?  i was so happy when last week a hot chip song was featured on so you think you can dance.  i secretly decided in my head it was because of heather. 

speaking of, that thought got me started on how much i am influenced by others when it comes to music.  although you make the final decision to buy, download and actually listen to a particular artist, it's not very often that you are just 'browsing' through the latest and happen upon something that seems interesting and end up loving it forever.  i love tori because of my modern dance teacher suzanne (my first real girl crush!).  i love van halen and sammy hagar first because of my dad and later on because of my high school crush, jeremy leeper.  the music i like because of my dad is a list too long to even start.  pinback was listed as a like on a 'rivals' myspace (jeez, how old am i???).  a client of rob's compiled a cd for him and pinback was also on that album, then later a compilation an ex did for him (the same 'rival' i site above) and pinback was also featured. i took that as a sign. 

but i digress...isn't this a list of sorts?

2. radiohead.  i started with in rainbows when once again dooce posted that it was the album of the year. i was dissapointed when i immeditaely ran to itunes and found it wasn't available for download yet. this started my research on the bands non-conformist way of recording and i was hooked.  i will admit my first three or four listens to this album did not have me convinced and then one day, i was humming a song in my head over and over and over and couldn't figure out for the life of me who it was.  later i realized it was indeed radiohead and since then i've downloaded every album i can find online. can't wait to see them live in august at outside lands. 

3.  eels.  again, this was a band that was on one of the above mentioned compilation cds.  i wrote down some lyrics and googled them to find out it was the eels.  i found one or two songs on limewire (back when i used it) and liked them well enough, just never went further. one day i was in best buy and happened upon a greatest hits album at the front of the store in the new releases section. i went for it and promptly listened to it in my car for weeks on end. i downloaded about 6 more albums and found that not one was a bummer - i loved them all. i was stoked to hear that e was coming to play at the palace of fine arts and bought tickets the day they went on sale. i can honestly say this was the most incredible show i have seen - most likely ever. it started with this amazing documentary on e and his crazy brilliant quantum theorist dad. then the show - can't really explain it. search for it on you tube. you won't be dissapointed. the documentary will air on pbs later this year. watch for an update here when it gets closer - you really do not want to miss it. spectacular.  raw and real, this one man band with many guest performers makes playing the saw so brilliant that you will wonder why no one utilizes this tool more regularly for music.

i have strange taste in music, i think. i love cheesy classic rock and emo indie music. one thing i cannot stand is rap. do like electronic and dance although this is a recent discovery, most likely thanks to my involvement with the gay community, who tend to be fans.

i could go on and on - incubus (i love rediscovering past bands), silversun pickups, sun kil moon, the dandy warhols, george michael (i dare you to download listen without prejudice and not totally dig cowboys and angels and heal the pain), my morning jacket.

it's really fun to scroll through my music library and rememeber what i was going through when i was really into a particular artist or album. it's amazing to me what emotions can be felt when you hear just the first few plinks of a song that really carried you through a particular moment in life.

"love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking in the same direction."

i like banana
i know that mangoes is sweet
i like papayas
papayas? but nothing can beat
that sweeeeet love of god.

well i been walking round in circles five miles an hour.
trying to find my way back to my heavenly father
the world tasted sweet but soon it turned sour
and then i asked him in and i received his power

1..2..3...

then you repeat the whole friggin song.

so i'm sitting at my desk eating my lunch today while running render scripts for my newest client.  today i chose fruit salad as my side dish.  i was thrilled to see huge chunks of juicy glorious papaya.  anytime i eat papaya i sing this song in my head over and over and over and briefly think fondly of my adventures at church camp.  (it's about the only thing i can think of fondly any time i think of my christian upbringing.)

but now when i eat papaya all i think of is kauai and the love shack and you.  and even though things were shitty sometimes, i always think of you fondly, even when i'm angry.

love,

scooter 

sorry to bother you with this, but i was wondering if it might be possible to avoid loud conversations on your patio after 9pm.  i have to be up quite early for work, so i am typically asleep by 9 or 9:30pm.  thanks, i'd really appreciate it.

sarah, #7

what i really wanted to write:

dear stupid bitch:

why do latina women talk SO LOUD? 

please stop screaming spanish on your patio while you chain smoke in your gym clothes from 7pm until well after midnight.  if you don't, both my dog and i will wear tap shoes all day every day and i will make sure to practice my tap dance routines every morning when i wake up at 4:30am.  i will get a pet squirrel that i will put in a cage out on MY patio so that my dog barks incessantly all day long while i am at work and you are at home being a latina princess. 

futhermore, i will loosen the screws even more than they already are on my cheap ass ikea bed so that i might make it quite clear when i am getting some action and that will be your queue to really shut the fuck up. i moved from a ghetto ass apartment and made sure this time, I WAS ON THE TOP FLOOR so that i would no longer have to deal with super loud inconsiderate latina princesses.  i now pay enough rent that i have no problem making your life a living hell should you decide to continue to call brazil from your patio THAT IS RIGHT UNDER MY BEDROOM WINDOW in the middle of the night to tell some cousin how many guys asked you out at the gym today.

gracias.

sarita 

one is the good mood tonic.  it says that it "promotes positive mood and healthy emotional balance".  cool.  i could always use help in this department.  especially while i am back on the diet and intense workout schedule (see below).

the other is a female libido tonic.  whoever said that your sex drive goes up in your 30's is lying.  i thought this tonic might be fun to try out and maybe help with my part in the bedroom.  finding myself suddenly single, it really sucks to discover that this tonic works.  maybe it's the placebo effect, maybe it's the herbs, but all i can think about it sex sex sex.  and i do not want the vibrator if you know what i mean.

i recently got back on track with my diet and exercise as i'm planning to go clinically insane in june and ride my road bike (ruby blue) to los angeles from san francisco.  i think that this female libido tonic might become part of my life even though i'm no longer "active" in that department because all i want to do is work out so i don't think about sex!

female libido tonic contains:  muira puama stem, shatavari root, chinese ginseng root (no wonder i get all jittery), ginger rhizome and cinnamon bark.  sanger's holistic vet told me that ginger and cinnamon generate heat in the body.  i find this interesting.

perhaps i've found the miracle tonic to make every fat girl's dream come true!  well, fat and single anyway.  i can say this because i am both fat (ok chubby) and single.

it's amazing how satisfied i am with this arrangement.  no sex = work out more = better body; which would normally be why i wanted to work out more, you know, because someone is seeing me naked on a regular basis.  but no.  this time, it's for me!  allllll for me.  not the size 4 jeans, not the boy who wont commit to me and must think i'm fat so i must loose more weight for him to want to be with me. 

ME AND ONLY ME.

cause i am tired of you taking from me
and i have let you eat from the fruits of my tree
i am not the one to turn into a laurel wreath
for the last time you have crossed my
crossed my line

you could never see, never see
apollo's frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as the saddest rainstorm
apollo, your frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as your sister's
that your light shined on

how can you think you've won
when there can be no winners
the soul has been lost
of the bow and quiver
do you remember
well, i remember
amid the clashing of swords
i'm losing you in my rear view

and I have called the shekhina in
and the nine fold and a few other friends
you and your predators were warned
if the cubs were drawn in for the last time
you would officially cross my line

you could never see, never see
apollo's frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as the saddest rainstorm
apollo, your frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as your sister

apollo, your frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as the saddest rainstorm
apollo, your frock
was always as beautiful
always as beautiful as your sister's
that your light shined on

but i can't help feeling like this is my ticket to happiness. something inside of me suddenly feels that the world has so much to offer me after all. it's my turn.

yesterday at yoga, we were doing cobra pose and it's a hard one, requiring little sips of air that make your whole rib cage feel like it's going to burst out your throat while you entire lower spine is contracting. while it is an uncomfortable pose, it makes me feel strong and in control. our teacher said, "you are doing this pose for your lungs! your beautiful lungs that give you the very breath of life." and in my head i was screaming out, "yes! my lungs! i love my lungs! how could i ever have been so cruel to the very thing that affords me to live?!"

that seems to be the question of the day, week, month...year.

i love the appreciation that yoga gives me for my body. it is totally fascinating to me that the one thing on this earth that is ours and always in our possession, no matter what, is something that so many of us abuse, over and over again.

your body is a temple.

i ran all of the hills on mt. tam yesterday, i didn't stop to hike up once. it felt so good. and i explored a new part of the trail. the views were amazing. it was so warm and clear and clean up there. i can't wait until this fog burns off so i can head up there again this afternoon with the dog.

off to the farmer's market for some veggies and fruit and maybe a little breaky. enjoy your sunday.

xo.